Sunday, June 13, 2010

This is turning out to be harder than I expected it to be...

So, I've been sifting through my belongings and papers for months now, in anticipation of the day when I receive my invitation from the Peace Corps. I've been trying to get prepared, so that when the invitation comes, I'll be ready to go.

In the last couple of weeks, though, I've cut down into depths I haven't touched in over a decade. Both physically and emotionally. I've looked at papers I haven't read in a dozen years. And that has elicited feelings in me I hadn't anticipated. There are reasons why I hadn't looked at these papers in so long: because I've been out enjoying my life; out doing things I've wanted to do for years; out having fun; out enjoying the present; out there looking forward instead of backward.

I've been sifting through these old things, only because I'm forcing myself to do it, to minimize what my parents and sister will store for me until I return, whenever that is. So by making myself sort through these things, I'm placing my choice, to uproot myself, squarely in front of myself. This decision is becoming more real, and less avoidable; thus the effects of it are becoming real, and less avoidable. I'm getting ready to move out of the country for some amount of years. And now that that choice is starting to become concrete, I'm feeling anticipation of the withdrawal that I'm going to feel. A profound sadness. I've told some of you that it's not just because I'm going to be away from my family and friends for so long. Also not just that I'm leaving the San Francisco Bay Area, California, and the west coast, of which I am so fond.

I've realized that I'm going to be ripping myself, in a rather jarring way, out of the only culture I've really ever known. The culture which has shaped me since before I was even aware of my own consciousness. So I've realized that I'm going to be leaving behind almost everything which is familiar to me. It's not so much frightening as it is making me realize that I'm going to be leaving behind so many people, places, institutions and things which I find comforting. I had certainly thought before now about how much I would miss people I love. But I hadn't really thought that I would significantly miss the cultural comforts to which I'm accustomed. Foolish of me not to have expected it, but the truth nevertheless.

As I type this blog post, I'm realizing that the end results will be so worth the discomfort, withdrawal, and pain I'm going to feel. I'm going to learn about, and teach, and help, people I've wanted to meet and know and befriend for many years now. I'll be adding cultural richness and exchange to my life. And perhaps, in time, I will come to be comforted, welcomed and warmed by some of the new customs, traditions and practices which I am going to learn through another culture. Maybe come the day, years from now, when I board my transport to leave my village in which I will have served in the Peace Corps for years, I will feel a separation anxiety which will rip at my heart just as painfully as what I feel now. And if that is how I feel upon completing my Peace Corps service, then one of the goals of the Peace Corps, to improve U.S. citizens' understanding of other cultures, will surely have been met.

2 comments:

  1. Doug, I am so proud of your decision to participate in something so worthy. I am a parent of an applicant. We don't know one another, yet, it warms my heart to know of your efforts AND your trepidations.
    As someone who has spent her life traveling and moving and living in unfamiliar places, I want to reassure you that however uncomfortable the anticipation might be, the expansion of your mind will NEVER be a waste. Playing a tiny part of your life pretending to be a "Margaret Mead" so to speak, enriches not only the world, but you, too.
    I hope, once you're in the experience, you will allow yourself to be receptive to it all. That's not to say it will all be pleasant and positive, but years away from it, you'll look back at it and wish it could be re-created.
    Remember, adventure, drama, excitement, these all can begin unpleasantly, but still remain adventure, drama and excitement.

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  2. Thank you very much for your kind words, and for your support. I love the idea that I can encourage and support people I don't even know, much like the stone thrown in the pond causes ripples of which it is wholly unaware (most of the time I won't know how these choices I'm making are affecting people I don't know; however, with your comment I have the unusual and fortunate chance of getting a glimpse of that, so, thank you).

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